Thursday, 27 January 2005

Rant alert, rant alert, awooga, awooga.

Yes, I'm pissed off. Really quite dreadfully pissed off.

And what's caused my pissed-offness? Being told, by someone who should know far better, 'do try and soldier on.'

This was in response to me saying that I felt tired and weary and a bit blue.

I'm sorry, but 'soldier on.'?!? When did I ever say I was giving up? When? Never, that's when. I'm not a quitter and I don't give up (well not unless it's a REALLY difficult crossword) but jeebus, I really feel that I have a right to feel a bit fed up.

It's not quite two months since Gwyn died. (For those not in the know, Gwyn was my very very lovely stepdad - my second dad, in fact.) You don't just snap out of it. It hurts, it hurts all the time. There's someone in my life, someone very special who I'm never ever going to see again. I'm never going to hear him tell me that he thinks of me as his own daughter. I'm never going to hear him tell me that I'm special to him. I'm never going to get the chance to tell him just how much I love him. And it hurts. So much that I can't even begin to put it into words. Now, I pride myself on being fairly good at expressing myself, especially in writing, so the fact that I can't explain how I feel at the moment is frankly terrifying.

There's not a moment goes by that I don't think of Gwyn. That I don't think of my dad. That I don't wish that I could find something that would take my mum's pain away. But there's nothing I, or anyone else, can do to change things. And I find that feeling of utter helplessness is almost impossible to cope with. But cope with it, I will.

I know people are trying to help, and I don't want them to have to walk on eggshells round me, but sometimes it's really upsetting. A very good friend of mine said yesterday that I'm far too hard on myself. And she's right. I expect things of myself that I wouldn't ask of anyone else in a million years. And then berate myself for failing.

I'm rambling now, I know, but I don't care. There's far too much 'stuff' flying around in my head at the moment and it's time to get some of it out. Before I go completely bonkers.

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