It's a bad bad bad bad film

Shark in Venice that is. It is shocking. Best viewed on a very small screen, mainly so no-one can see what it is you're watching.

If I say the name Stephen Baldwin, then I think that gives you a clue as to what you're in for. Apparently he's a lecturer at an oceanographic institute (it's not named, probably for the best) and his fiancee is also on the staff (she's very smart we're told later). His father is a deep sea diver, working in Venice on an unnamed project and goes missing after an 'accident'.

One quick flight to Venice later, we discover that Stephen is unconvinced with the official explanation of a boat propellor v diver incident. I suspect that the teethmarks were probably a bit of a giveaway, but there you go.

It's at this point that the plot takes a turn for the slightly less believable, cramming in a bizarre subplot about the Medici Treasure (complete with remarkable 'historical' sequence) and the least convincing Mafia don I've ever seen.

And don't get me started on the sharks. Stock footage, cut with bizarre CGI - though they really should have checked for bystander reaction (or lack of it) in one particularly outstanding moment.

As for the script, well, if I say it lent itself rather well to the quality of acting (presumably sponsored by Cuprinol) I think you'll get the idea.

One final thing, given that Mr Baldwin is on the slightly doughy side, it's probably a good thing that he didn't take off his everpresent grey sweater, which was disturbingly clingy.

And yes, I'll probably end up watching it again.

2009, the year of craft

Yes indeed, this year I intend to make more 'stuff' than you can shake a stick at. Be it jewellery (for the shop or for my own fair person), cosmetics (see previous post for first attempt), candles, crochet, knitting. I'm going to try it all out. I suspect the House of Craft may well benefit from this, as what I like to do if I'm learning about a craft is to try a kit - that way there's no hunting about looking for random items that I may well have forgotten to buy.

This coming weekend will see me faffing about in the kitchen with a candlemaking kit. As well as trying to learn how to do the Full Persian chainmaille weave.

Oh and figuring out what I'm making for a) the Crafteroo Time for Tea swap and b) a thank you present.

It's all go here.

Balmy weather, isn't it?

Good start, as ever. Still, I have been a-crafting, not just sitting about. No, I've been sitting about with pliers in my hands. Dead helpful.

I have also been making lip balm. Yes, lip balm. Considering I should have shares in Carmex and Lipsyl, it's probably a very good thing to learn how to do. So, having purchased a kit from Aromantic, which contained everything I needed, I set to work.

Handily, everything was measured out to the quantities necessary, so it was just a case of melting and mixing, then pouring into lipsalve tubes (also handily provided).

It turned out that the mixture actually made more than would fit into the tubes, so I had to use some stacking pots that I had lying around the house (hoarding has its uses, occasionally!)





So, that was it. Much easier than I was expecting, though I have learned that melting things in a jug makes them MUCH easier to pour out.

The book of Face

It has its uses (mainly to feed my addiction for very silly games), but today, rather than doing actual work, y'know, the stuff I get paid to do, I've been writing a big note to go on my profile, which contains 25 random things about me. It was remarkably hard work to do, so I'm going to be very lazy now and just copy and past the whole thing here. So it doesn't get lost.

1. I'm a qualified librarian, though that's not a particularly random thing, I don't think. Never mind, it'll get better. I hope.

2. I have a total hatred of txtspk. It enrages me in ways that are rather worrying. So much so that I go to great lengths to spell out all the words in text messages, even if they take me several years to write.

3. I'm also the least confident person I know. This may well not come as a surprise to many of you, but there you go. So much for me controlling everyone's perception with the power of my mind.

4. However, one day, I will rule the universe. Oh yes, it will be mine.

5. My mother is one of the most amazing and wonderful people I have ever met. No matter what life has thrown at her, she comes out smiling on the other side. I am honoured and privileged to call her a friend as well as Mam.

6. That last thing just made me cry. Again, that's probably not a surprise, since I am capable of crying at most anything. Including a documentary about Lassie.

7. When I was little, I used to do tap, ballet and ballroom dancing. The ballet I'm not so bothered about, but I really do wish I'd kept up with the tap and the ballroom. I love to dance, but with the whole confidence thing (see item 3) it generally happens in the privacy of my sitting room, with the curtains drawn.

8. I have a deep and abiding love for very, very cheesy films. This includes the original Godzilla films (think man in unconvincing rubber suit) as well as other, less well known classics such as Fire Maidens from Outer Space, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and Them!

9. I am appallingly supersititious. Magpies get the full treatment, I have serious misgivings when people put their umbrellas up in the office to dry them out and have been known to cross roads to avoid walking under ladders.

10. I have an unusual talent for remembering random stuff. Postcodes, telephone numbers, book codes (which we use at work), all kinds of nonsense. I have no idea how it works, but it does make me fairly good to have on your pub quiz team.

11. I like to think I am hilarious. I suspect, however, that I may not be quite as funny in real life.

12. I am an inveterate hoarder. My house is packed with odds and ends which 'may' be useful at some unspecified point in the future. I also have a vast collection of things that I can't throw out because of the sentimental value attached. This does not bode well for when I move house.

13. The collecting mania extends to books, mainly due to the fact that I work for a publisher, so get a lot of free books. I also happen to adore books and reading (so it makes sense that I studied librarianship, in a way), so find it terribly hard to get rid of them.

14. There are people who've been in my life, who I miss every single day. And I would give anything to have that one minute/hour/day more - to say the things I left unsaid.

15. Conversely, there are also people I've met, who I don't miss. But one way or another, they've all changed my life in some subtle way, some for good, some not so good. But I don't really regret meeting any of them, with the possible exception of the yorkshire gangster wannabe.

16. I have a bit of a stationery fetish. Not in a sexual way, before anyone starts. I just love to have pens and pencils and notebooks and all manner of stationery items. It started with erasers and it's just gone from there really. I don't think my dad helped either, with his 'everyone can use a nice pen' idea.

17. I love visiting castles and stately homes and gardens. It sounds a bit fogeyfied, but there are some fascinating stories to be gleaned, as well as some marvellous interior design and architecture to be viewed.

18. It's my ambition, one day, to do a tour of some of Frank Lloyd Wright and Charles Rennie Mackintosh's finest buildings. I have been fascinated with their work for years, not to mention the fact that they were really interesting people.

19. I have decided that 2009 is to be the Year of Craft. I'm aiming to try as many different crafts as I possibly can. I already make jewellery, I've just made some lip balm, which was huge and fragrant fun and I'm soon going to teach myself to crochet (and possibly knit as well). I'd also like to go back to doing tapestry and learn to cross stitch a bit better. Candle making is on the agenda as well.

20. I write quite a lot (which is why it's strange that I'm finding this note so ruddy hard to finish), but it's mainly just for my own amusement.

21. I love tea. The drink, not the meal. Herbal, fragranced, fruit, instant - I'll try anything in the tea arena. Coffee too, though I don't have quite as much of an obsession about it.

22. My favourite animal is the pig, though dogs do come a close second. I have an ever expanding collection of pigs and pig-related items, so if you're ever stuck for an idea for a present (all gifts are gratefully received), then pigs are always a good bet.

23. I have a massive, massive insect phobia. If it crawls, scuttles, slithers, flies, flaps or buzzes then I want nothing to do with it. Especially as they insist on flying round my head. GET AWAY FROM ME!

24. I have a bead addiction. I justify it to myself by saying that they'll be used when I make jewellery and so on, but the reality is that I just like to have them. Shinyshinybeadybeady.

25. C'mon, one more thing and you're done. Lordy. Oh yes, I broke my arm when I was 9, falling off a horse. Hence I have a very long scar on my arm, which I hide by never wearing short sleeved or sleeveless tops. Phew, that's it. I'm outta here.

So, there you have it. 25 random (or not) things about me. Blimey.

One big pile of...

Yes, I'm sure you know where I was going with that. Especially when I reveal that I'm currently viewing (for the second time, as I couldn't believe it the first time) a film called Mammoth. I also didn't see this all the way through, so thought I'd check it out again. As one does of a Sunday evening in January.

I think it's meant to be some kind of sci-fi comedy horror. Well, one word's right, anyway. I'm actually quite astonished that Tom Skerritt (who I've always admired) wanted to be a part of this.

The plot, such as it is, revolves around a prehistoric mammoth. Which has apparently been revived by some kind of alien technology. And is now on a rampage round a small town in middle America, which appears to be populated by an assortment of complete freaks and weirdos. And two of the most useless FBI types in history.

And when I tell you that they're now using a microwave to revive a disembodied hand, I think that pretty much explains everything, really. I may not make it to the end of the film this time either.

Bad fillums rool

I have just sat and watched 'Bone Eater'. The most gloriously shitty film I've seen in a long while. Abso-bloody-lutely brilliant stuff.

The cast list reads like a who's who of cheese. Gil Gerard (almost unrecognisable), Bruce Boxleitner, William Katt, Veronica Hamel (also unrecognisable, I suspect large amounts of botox) and Walter Koenig (I missed his bit though).

Plot goes thus: Workers on the evil real estate developer's site uncover sacred native american relics. Cue dramatic music and small earthquake, then appearance of 8 foot tall skellington which then proceeds to dissolve the workers. Yes, you read that right, DISSOLVE them. (It was at this point that my sense of disbelief not only suspended itself, but flew off into the night.) Turns out that this large creature is the titular Bone Eater, according to legend a naughty shaman who went a bit power crazy and killed loads of people (dissolving may have featured, but that wasn't really expanded on). So, more dissolvings (total and partial, in the case of one unfortunate deputy) later, there's a very fast eclipse and some other mumbo jumbo.

If you get the chance, and you don't have anything more interesting or useful to do (such as watching paint dry or grass grow), then give it a try. It won't disappoint. Honest!

Chairs and stuff

Well, I got the chair. Wooo. My first thought when I saw it was 'Christ on a bike, it's the widest chair in the ENTIRE world. Oh god, I'm going to hate it.'

But, slowly, it's growing on me. Much like mould. And, though I hate to admit it, it is pretty comfortable and it appears to be helping my back. Which is, of course, the entire point of it.

Of course, the rumblings from Occupational Health still continue. Now they're after feedback. It's a chair. I park my jacksie on it and I then get up later. It's fine, thanks. Now bog off and let me get on with my job. I am hoping (possibly in vain), that now I have provided feedback (it was slightly better worded, I must admit) we can draw a line under this entire shitey episode and just move on. Fingers crossed.

Or they would be, if I actually could. Just to add insult to injury, I had a rather spectacular tumble on my way to work one morning. Just over two weeks ago. I blame the French president, as I'm sure it was the motorcycle outriders protecting his car that distracted me for that one vital second. Ha! Anyway, down I went, like the proverbial lead balloon.

There were two very lovely people who rushed over to help me up and dust me down, so I thanked them profusely and limped off to work. I was really worried about my back (after all the shenanigans I've had with it, that's not really a surprise), but it seems to have coped remarkably well. Same for my knees, which were barely bruised. It was my hands that appear to have taken most of the damage. In particular my left hand which was badly sprained and bruised. I did have to go to A&E to have it checked out and thankfully it wasn't broken. I've had to wear a wrist splint for the last two weeks which is now really annoying me. And I'm a little concerned about my hand as it seems to be taking a while to get back to normal. So, to the doctor on Monday afternoon it is. Oh, the joy.