Well...

It's certainly been a bit of a week or two. The problem with my back has recurred - the sciatica came back (though thankfully, it's subsiding now) and I am fairly sure it's not been helped by new furniture and the new layout. So, my boss arranged for a workstation assessment. And, surprisingly enough, my chair was flagged as a bit of a problem. Okay, so we just get a new chair, right?

Wrong. What happens next is that I end up having to go and see Occupational Health. I go there, thinking that it's actually about making sure that we get the right chair, that won't do any more damage to my back. TWENTY MINUTES I was in that ruddy office, before the chair was even mentioned. It appears that this was merely an opportunity to have a good old poke at the fat freak. Before I go any further, the occupational health people at my work are, in my own very humble opinion, clinically insane. And incapable of anything even remotely resembling tact.

I was asked if I'd lost weight because (and I quote) 'you don't look like you have.' Well, hello, it's lovely to see you too. There then followed a fairly prolonged harangue on how much better I'd feel, how her niece had lost so much weight and it had made such a difference (good for her, say I, but this has NOTHING to do with me) and how we all have our problems to deal with...blah..blah..blah. Then, after being asked if I wanted to be weighed (Hell no!), and on replying in the negative, being told that it wasn't optional because they would have to have the right weight for the chair.

I cannot put into words how utterly crap I felt. How pathetic and feeble and weak. I came out of the OH office feeling like I was a vile and useless creature. And all of this was coming from someone who's apparently a trained counsellor. Trained by whom? Attila the Hun, perhaps? I went back upstairs to my desk (via the loos where I sobbed for 10 minutes) and tried to calm myself down. I don't think it was one of my more productive afternoons.

What I can say is that my mam is an absolute star. She coped with her grown up daughter (who should know better) sobbing pathetically down the phone that night. And I mean really sobbing. The snotty, gulping sort of sobbing that you did when you were a kid and fell down and really hurt yourself. She managed to calm me down and was... well... just utterly fabulous.

My boss has also been fairly ace about this. He was really quite shocked when he found out (I ended up in tears again at my meeting with him the next day) and went down to tell the OH people that all he wanted was a chair for me. Just a chair. He didn't want a traumatised employee, who couldn't get through a day without crying.

Which brings me on to this week. I had to be measured, because they're going to have a chair made for me. So I went down again and I swear, it was like Laurel and Hardy had never died. Still, there were only two pointed remarks about my weight, so that was an improvement. Pfft.

And then on Thursday, I had to be measured again. Because the people at the company were a little 'concerned' about the figures they'd got. Thankfully the man who came to do this was lovely. (And rather hot too. *blush*) And frankly, I can understand why they'd be concerned at the figures considering who was doing the measuring. Bitter, me?

So, that's where we are right now. From what I understand, it's now a case of waiting for quotes and contracts to be signed and so on. Hopefully, I should have a new chair in a couple of weeks or so.

And do you know what the most ridiculous thing about this is? I specifically said to my boss(no, actually I virtually begged) that I didn't want any fuss. No fuss at all. If this is what they call no fuss, then god help us all.

New Year, New Me?

I sincerely hope so, though things aren't going entirely as I'd hoped.

Firstly, I am still missing a bathroom ceiling. It was all supposed to be sorted out whilst I was away for Christmas, but things went a bit awry. The builders turned out to be less than reliable (whodathunkit!) and the people upstairs (who were also having work done by them - work that was left unfinished) told them to naff off. Which I can totally understand, but it does mean that I now have to arrange to get quotes (something that was proving slightly difficult last year) and then get the work done.

My back is also playing up, which I could really do without. It's been horrendously painful this week (back to the pain down the leg business). I really, really don't want this to come back, I'm not sure I am strong enough to cope with it. Plus I'm already fretting about people thinking I'm just taking the piss.

I have also now broken out in a mammoth rash of cold sores. It started on Wednesday (my lip was swollen up like nobody's business) and I thought it was calming down nicely, but today I've got a whole new crop of them. I must be more run down than I thought. Great stuff.

My one main plan this year was to try and stay positive, but it's proving rather tricky. All I can do is grit my teeth (which is rather painful work) and hang on, until things improve. So that's what I'll do. Just keep doing what I can and try not to give myself such a hard time if things get a bit too much. After all, I'm only human.

Les Miserables

That’s what I’ve got. A severe dose by the looks of things. I spent most of the weekend feeling like a complete and utter waste of space, air and skin. I even spent nearly 4 hours working solidly on my first bit of chain-mail jewellery, which did keep me occupied and gave me some pleasure, but it just all seems so fleeting.

I’m back on the old hating myself thing. I’m managing to convince myself that people are just hanging round with me because they’ve got nothing better to do. God, I should know better than this, I really should.

I swear, this year’s knocked me back a mile. One thing after another, it feels like and I never give myself an inch. And why is that? Because I don’t feel that I deserve it. I feel like I’m always being tested and found wanting.

It’s utter bollocks and I should know that. I really should. I just need to convince myself that I’m worth that effort. God knows I wouldn’t treat any of my friends so harshly, in fact, I’d be the first one to shout if anyone else did. I need my inner voice of doom to shut the jeff up and listen for a change.

So, if anyone’s got any ideas on how I do that, I’ll be accepting answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Lazy Sunday

At least, it would be if the people next door weren't making enough noise to wake the ruddy dead. I have no idea what they're having done in their house, but blimey, surely it shouldn't be this noisy! Hammering all day yesterday and what sounds like sanding the floorboards or something today. Wooyay.

Of course, they have every right to do whatever the hell they want in their own house. I wouldn't want to stop them. But it doesn't mean that I don't have the right to be decidedly pissed off at the fact that I can barely hear myself think. So much for soundproofing.

Bizarrospam is back! Hurrah!

It would appear that spammers are becoming ever more creative with their 'offerings'. Another small selection of subject lines (and my immediate thoughts upon them) for your delight. Or something.

Recalling her features drove the monsters from my mind. - Your therapist appears to be doing you the world of good.

What is that ghostly face looking out balefully after him from behind the arras. - My mind, it is the boggled. And leave my arras out of it.

Protect your manhood! - Pink shirts are the devil's work.

Why don't you buy some drugs to be healthy? - I have all the viagra I'll ever need thanks - hotmail is sorting that one for me.

I just started having sex and my boyfriend keeps popping out when we do it. - I have no words. None. Other than to perhaps suggest that you tie him to the bed.

Beware of fake pills. - Sage advice. Thank you.

Can you let me know what you think about this, I would be very interested in what you think. communication as well. we have slang gestures. - I've got a couple of slang gestures of my own that I think you might like.

Marvellous stuff.

Birthday fun

'Twas my 38th birthday on Friday, and a better day I have not had in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Which, I believe, is fairly customary.

I had the day off from work, which is always a good thing. We also had a visit from the insurance people about the bathroom ceiling. The man was in the house barely 10 minutes. After six ruddy months of waiting and he's there less than 10 minutes. That's what I call value for money. Pfft. Still, he decided that he was going to release the money for the repairs, so hopefully I'll have a bathroom ceiling before the end of the year. Hurrah!

I also spent most of the afternoon and evening drinking lots and having fun on a boat on the Thames. I was thrilled to bits with the number of people who were able to make it, people I hadn't seen for absolutely ages. That's mainly down to self-imposed exile and sheer immobility for two months of the year, but it was lovely to see them all again.

And I got lots of lovely presents and cards - all very much gratefully received. Among the gifts were a large cuddly Godzilla (to go with my little cuddly Godzilla - Big G and Little G), the original Godzilla film on DVD, a Samuel Z Arkoff box set (B-Movie heaven!), Man From UNCLE box set, Trumpton DVD, Mr Benn DVD, books, a mug, smellies, stationery and a beautiful compact mirror. I think I did rather well for myself there.

I also hope that this marks a turning point. I received the forms for my counselling yesterday too - so I'll be filling them out and sending straight away. This year hasn't had the greatest of starts, but here's to a much improved second half of it!

Internet musings

I actually meant to post this last week, as it was fresh in my mind, but I got distracted. Pfft.

Anyway, last Sunday morning, as you do, I was watching the Heaven & Earth show. It's quite good, as religious programming goes. Anyway, there was a feature on the show about online churches. There are quite a number in Second Life, and they appear to be quite popular. There are also a number of online religious communities spread around the country. After the feature was shown there was a discussion with the studio guests, Nina Myskow, GP Taylor and some other bloke whose name I have completely forgotten.

Two of the people, unnamed man and Ms Myskow were really quite scathing about the use of internet forums and so on. Which got me thinking. I've been using discussion boards and forums for a good 5 to 6 years now and for the most part, it's been a hugely positive experience. I have met people who I now consider to be my closest friends. They have been there to support me during the bad times, celebrate during the good times and give me an alternative perspective when it's needed. Without that, I'd be a much lesser human being than I am today. I have grown in confidence (though, yes, that is quite fragile) and have expanded my horizons much more than I would had I not met them.

However, outstripping all of that has been the opportunities for so much fun and laughter. Which, frankly, makes life worth living.

To dismiss all of that with an airy wave of one's hand and wittering that people like me are sad and pathetic is to completely miss the point of all this. And strangely enough, it was the ex-vicar (GP Taylor) who was most in favour of online communities. Though thinking about it, perhaps with his background he can actually see the benefits rather than looking at the pitfalls.